DOOM OR DESTINY?

'Humanity surges with uncontrolled passion, is tumultuous with ungoverned grief, is blown about by anxiety and doubt. Only the wise person, only they whose thoughts are controlled and purified, makes the winds and the storms of the soul obey them.'

I once heard that hell is in fact meeting the person you could have become.

I believe that when you come to this planet and assume your body, its your earthly duty to empty yourself here. It's an endeavour for those only brave enough to do so. Therefore we can’t help but appreciate and admire the people that elevate themselves into somewhat superhuman status because they are a beacon of hope and inspiration for us all.

I grew around people who were emotionally constipated, that were unable to articulate even the most rudimentary of emotions let alone open themselves up for the world to see. From a young age I didn't think much could be accomplished in this world. I rarely saw people leave the town where I was from, or branch out and achieve anything extraordinary or worth merit, until I took it upon myself to change that perception I had of the world.

Nowadays we scratch the surface level but rarely do people pursue their true wants and desires; maybe its fear of rejection or not being good enough, or perhaps they haven't even asked themselves who it is they want to be. They get caught up unclear, hazy meaninglessness, never truly distinguishing what they want from life so that no one can ever say they failed, because they didn't specify what it was they wanted from life in the first place.

The people that have a clear vision and manage to reach the pinnacle of 'success' names echo throughout history, those who were completely fearless and relentless in pursuing their vision, these are the people who conquered doubt and fear. The ones whose thought allied with their purpose. 

This modern age has seen a huge rise in awareness for mental health due to it becoming an epidemic in the western world affecting the youth and older generation alike. Depression and anxiety being the two main contenders that disturb the everyday lives of those whom they possess. I would hazard a guess that they have visited us all at least once or twice.

Now I don’t mean the ‘anxiety’ and ‘depression’ people throw around so loosely without knowing the weight those words carry. I mean the; 'I can’t breath, I've forgotten how to swallow, there's salvia gathering in and around my mouth and I don’t know what to do with it because my throat has closed up.' Then when you eventually remember how to do that fundamental thing that keeps us alive, its something like a tennis ball moving down your gullet. 

I grew up alongside depression, I saw it confine my mother to four walls for years. I saw the same monotony that she existed in everyday. The same food, TV, clothes, habits, scared to breach outside of those invisible parameters she had created for herself and the cage that was her mind. Depression is when we live in the past and anxiety the future. These two some how cripple you into doing nothing and going nowhere.

When you look at the word 'nowhere', we see it as a stagnant, static place, in which there is no movement. If we shift our perspective and how we see the word, it changes to, 'now here.' Now you are here, know that you are no longer lost, be present and still. This is all we have and it is our only salvation to a full and serene life. 

Calmness of the mind is the fruit of wisdom, and with it comes a poise of character not easily burdened by that which is insubstantial. Its paramount to remember you are atomic energy encased in flesh. Flesh so divinely created that is actively fights for your survival everyday, it is always on your side (providing you treat it right) pushing for you to thrive.

Down to the most subatomic level the human body is the most flawless apparatus to walk upon this planet, despite how much we misuse, mistreat and misconduct it and ourselves, it always wishes to heal. How could something so perfectly formulated just be here by fluke? 

I am astonished everyday when I look around and see so many humans, each living an entirely different existence, predicated by their experiences which continue to mould and form us and our perspective on the world. No day is the same for anyone on this planet. None of us think the same or see the world through the same set of eyes.

Ultimately it is what we endure throughout life that dictates who we are. We all come here with the same framework so to speak. Therefore, if you were raised in a house hold that gave you everything and loved you unconditionally your truth would be love and understanding. Our truth is learnt, taught and felt in our experiences and in turn emanates from our being.

You aren’t the name you were given, the nationality you were assigned, the work that you do, the team you support, the language you speak, the clothes you wear, the music you listen to, the sexuality you identify with. Yes they are all facets of your being because we are multi-faceted but without all those things who really are you?

A very difficult question I know. 

The way I see it when we are born we are pure unadulterated light. Just a being with no knowledge of the world. We have no awareness and without this awareness we are in a constant state of wonder and play, we see our reflection and we are excited to be here, we are inquisitive and in a perpetual state of learning. Everything is an unanswered mystery, to be investigated and probed.

Life goes on and little by little this light becomes enshrouded with insecurities, attachments, traumas, instability, fear, lack, opinions, pain, anger, and so on. Slowly the light (although still always present) becomes barely visible underneath all these layers.

Now we have transitioned into adulthood, with all the tools at our disposal to move through the world and explore yet we trap our own selves unable to transcend our own banal existence. Some become bitter, some fall into escapism, hedonism, lives that restrict them, jobs they loathe. That wonderment within us has since passed and we are left with worry. Worry about the future, our lives, where are we heading? Will life ever get better? Will it get easier? Will it change?

Worry is a dispirited endeavour, we cannot control all the variables in our life. Ultimately most of it is out of our power yet how we choose to react to it and move forward with whatever lesson it is we need to grow from. The majority get very serious about life. We tell people with a playful nature, to 'grow up' because how could they possibly remain so light and unscathed by all that is happening in the world?

Often we tell ourselves stories, myself included. The ego loves talking, and it does so to protect us, because if we were to be exposed to the truth that most of the things we tell ourselves are in fact fictitious imaginings that have not a single element of truth, apart from the fact that we believe them to be so. I'm sure we would all completely crumble when the invisible veil of nonsense we preach has been lifted.

We are indeed the ones standing in our own way, creating invisible boundaries for our potential and talent, or closing ourselves of to a number of possibilities, 'I don’t like this, I don’t do that because of this….this is that and that is this' It's total bullshit, there is nothing we cannot do, nothing we can’t be, no thing or no one that can stand in our way except ourselves and those stories we continue to reiterate that begin to cast spells.

It seems to me that since I have begun writing this blog and about my thoughts and experiences I am pulling people toward me that challenge my way of thinking and being. This week I met a monk who had gone rogue and a pro-gun, 'white nationalist' trump supporter. Quite literally the opposite in terms of views. I guess you seek what seeks you, and odd humans are what I'm in search of.

E, the monk had been practicing for 11 years and had come to Europe in search of a different way of life. He was biking around Europe alone, doing all the things the average european engages in. Drinking, smoking, eating meat, having casual sex, staying out all night…. I found this to be so curious because he said he hadn’t lived this way of life and it was important for him to know why so many did.

E had reached a point where he didn’t know why he did what he did anymore or why he begun to feel 'restricted' and 'lost' in this 'holy' way of living as he called it. He abstained from meat, alcohol, drugs, smoking, sex ect and finally felt like that chapter of his life was coming to a head, he wanted to turn the new page with new experiences and see how that felt.

What really inspired me about him and being in his presence was the sheer openness I felt and lack of judgment. He didn't attach himself so ardently to his beliefs, when he felt them shifting he welcomed the change with open arms instead of fighting it. He just allowed and accepted it. It was easy for him to eat meat, smoke, drink as if he had done so his whole life, although It felt more as though he had just picked up some sort european uniform to wear for a while which he would soon return when reformed back to his old self, casting this of as a wild summer.

It’s crazy because I sat with both of them for hours and spoke about life and listened to their journeys and what led them to their beliefs. One had a lifetime of dogmas laid upon him, he thought that his travels meant he wasn't the average american (which I guess is right as most don't even hold a passport) but still he couldn’t look past things that were so obviously wrong. He was undisputedly indoctrinated about so much that even mentioning certain things made him overtly uncomfortable and uneasy. HE grew up in a very traditional american household in the suburbs, a ex-navy father, a very meek mother who barely spoke, unless she was spoken to, both strict catholics who failed to give him the love he needed to thrive in this world. Guns were almost a metaphorical and literal protection for him against the world.

Ideologies are engrained into our psyche, etched so deep that when you challenge them with opposing views, the infrastructure of our very being can feel like it's collapsing. Our core beliefs keep us encapsulated in our safe little bubble, unable to see the bigger picture.

I am a firm believer that abstinence is medicinal not dietary. We need things in life sometimes that allow us a moment with ourselves; something we want and not need, something totally for ourselves. That little moment you share with yourself when you have your cup of coffee, bar of chocolate, cigarette when you need it or glass of wine. Things made by humans enjoyed by them.

We can raise our consciousness and clean ourselves by abstaining for periods of time, but we must find a way to integrate enjoyment in all its forms in a healthy manner. Everything is so deeply abused these days, even abstaining from things, would you believe it? People live their lives with the belief that certain things are evil and cannot be consumed and even doing so once is punishable and rids them of their purity. When the reality is that we have and always will be flawed regardless of what we do.

There are stories of westerners going to religious and/or medicinal retreats in India, Brazil, Peru and so on, and being shocked to see that these shaman smoke, drink, have girlfriends and use foul language. They believe that spirituality means loosing your 'attachment' to your human self and being totally 'pure' whatever that means?

Yet we need our humanity to manifest on earth, to be grounded here because we are in fact HERE in this earthly plane. Yes you can enter altered states of mind with the likes of meditation, yoga and medicine but it never lasts as you always return, perhaps with a sense of enlightenment and some new information yet the significance of coming back here after accessing different portals of intelligence is to integrate these spiritual experiences in to our everyday human life. To work at creating a non-dual state within, without any external mediators.

Anything that happens from an external force or something that is induced from something external never feels like you earned it in my opinion. You become dependent, needing these altered states of mind to feel in a non-dual state or 'connected'. Whereas when you build something for yourself, its an entirely different story. Be it when you write and channel those who came before you, or when you dance and feel your ancestors chants that lead you or when you play your instrument in total harmony as if it were another limb.

When you've worked hard at building those experiences, and have that know how then that is something that is yours and only yours, THAT to me is tapping into god consciousness. I think that is why new age, pseudo spirituality feels like such bullshit to me. People go and do DMT, mushrooms, ayahuasca with no understanding for how sacred these gifts are, then come back claiming enlightenment. Yet there are people here using these plants for millennia and still have more modesty and humility about their knowledge than those who have just about seen the pool from afar, let alone dipped their toes in.

Then who am I to judge someones version of spirituality? I'm not and It is just an opinion based of what I've encountered. Its just this day and age that there is very little depth in anything, we mull over the basic facts ready to recite and don't dedicate ourselves to understanding and honouring the process. Following the path no matter where it takes us. Listen, not to say that this shit doesn't get tedious and sometimes I feel like I'm loosing my marbles (others would argue I already have) but this is a mission I have and I will follow it until I am no more. I wish it could all happen quicker sometimes but I also know that anything that has longevity in this world cannot be formed or learnt overnight.

Creating spaces within that are sacred and can be accessed upon request take years. Generally speaking it takes great and pain and suffering to truly know oneself. Travelling so far inside, into the swamps of the subconscious to barely even make it back out. You could never be the same again, and why you want to be?

Happiness is not something I am in search for, I look for a feeling that lies on the fringes of the horizon, beyond what is known. To go to places and experience things that allow me to journey further in. I seek what is unknown and to make work from it so as to lay the path for others who wish to walk off the beaten track.

Conventional 'happiness' is for most whom are easily pleased and satisfied with life, perhaps I envy them. Yet when some happy go lucky, entitled 'hippie' with an amex tries to preach and and talk to me about or rather shove 'positive vibes' and happiness down my throat. I have to politely decline because I'm not reallllly here for that. We ain't all here for the same reasons. This world holds so much melancholy yet unbelievable beauty, and I'm somewhere in the midst of all that. I like the raw, uncut people who came from humble beginnings and built their own little huts in the sandstorm.

I'm assuming some of you would be thinking, 'why wouldn't you want to be happy?' Happy...mmm that word. I prefer content, balanced or at peace. Happiness or whatever you wanna call it is just a byproduct a life which is fulfilled, yet then is it really? Then I remember that some of the most significant, lauded figures in history had tremendous struggle with finding the joy in anything. I think its because they knew how insignificant, impermanent and fleeting life was. We have no time to be or do anything that isn't what WE truly yearn for. I haven't the time to be here in the capacity of anything or anyone that isn't me.

Furthermore, we are always wanting to find truth and our own personal definition of truth that this desire for it taints the reality of what searching for it really means.

What is truth?

Truth changes intermittently, what is true for me today might not necessarily be true for me tomorrow, and what is true for me may not be true for you. You see, there isn't a singular truth here, there are laws which without question govern the universe. Yet truth is more precarious in its nature.

Truth has always been what humans are in search of, but the reality is not a single person knows for a fact how or why we are here or who or what put us here. We have speculated yes, and yes we have some evidence and proof of certain things, but as we know science is falsifiable and it continues to generate new information all the time about the cosmos.

Religion also tried to give us a version of the truth, alongside spirituality and science as I aforementioned. Each of these have given elements of 'truth' to those searching for it. Yet in order to begin with any truth, we must admit that we know nothing and there are in fact things which are known, unknown and unknowable.

I have a truth which is:

I see us each as a never ending pathway, each coloured with our own bricks, different styles that reach for miles, far beyond the reach of what the eye can perceive. Some go up to the sky, some go down below into the earths crust and some just down the road... they are all within the boundless parameters that is the ALL.

Each an entirely different cell that formulates the whole. A living, breathing aware being. Each with our own nuances, experiencing life through the energy and power of the source, through limitless vessels that carry with us exponential potential, experience and knowledge. Whom gather, learn, share.... intertwining, weaving, every SINGLE possibility simultaneously into the cloud of the collective consciousness. All there is to know and every equation there is for existence, down to the most subatomic level. We are living mathematical entities.

I see us each as a singular piece of this never-ending cosmological puzzle. Which exists everywhere and nowhere. Each expressing a multitude of tones, colours and constellations beyond what the mind can comprehend. Different notes, chords and keys that create symphonies, sounded by different instruments. Be it woodwind, brass, string or percussion. Different melodies which are different galaxies. The composer, the knower, the shower, the teacher, the one who conducts this unquestionable, unknowable, unspeakable undeniable and ineffable beauty that we can only feel, and hope that something else as beautiful exists after this song is sung.

Yet here we are and now its done. Just left with but the memory of fun and the realisation that there was never a single song sung.